So this year I hit a milestone in my life. No, not one of the “majors” that most people relate to…it’s 46. 46? Really? OK, I know this ones a little weird and has no apparent significance, but what I realized is that as I look at the period of time known as the 40’s, I’ve crossed that halfway point and am now closer to the end than the beginning.
Now I know that 46 is really no big deal at all. In fact, with the exception of my late teens and early twenties, in the military, I’m probably in the best shape of my life. I work out almost daily; have a beautiful wife, wonderful marriage, great relationships with my kids, a comfortable living and a wonderful collection of friends and family. Yet there are questions that seem to haunt me much too far down the path on life’s journey.
Questions like, “What do I want to be when I grow up”? “Where do I truly fit in”? “At what point do I begin to leave a legacy, or will I even leave one”?
It reminds me of the story of two babies that were born at the same time, in the same hospital. They both quickly went on their way and as fate would have it, many, many years later, they both wound up back at the same hospital on their death beds. One turned to the other and said, “So, what’d you think”? Will that be me? Will my life just seem to fly by, with no indelible mark left on the journal of life’s record? Will my complete existence on this earth just be to mark time, and then one day, it’s over? I believe I was created for a greater purpose, but what is it?
So often I feel the part of the outsider. Not the obvious stand out, just the guy that shows up in the credits, “second average guy in scene 4”. It seems frequently I’m like the last guy to enter the room and missed the main part of the conversation. It’s not the paranoid feeling that they’re all talking about me, just not quite on the same page as everyone else. I assume other people feel the same way at times, but I really don’t know. Probably because I never quite allow myself to fully open up to others.
With the exception of my wife, there’s not another single individual that completely and totally knows me. And even in our relationship, I’m terrible at fully baring my feelings and emotions. I know that it’s my own fault. I try to avoid getting too close, lest someone pull back the curtain and discover that it’s all show and in reality it’s just a small, lost man, pulling the strings and levers…
It’s like being in the sidecar of life’s motorcycle. Slightly off center, completely exposed to the elements, without the ability to control the direction you are traveling or the speed at which you are going.
And thus the reason for this blog. Maybe, somehow, by putting my thoughts and feelings out there, I’ll gain a little perspective. David unplugged if you will, without all the background noise of the band. Just the simple tune in my head that beckons me to dance life’s dance.
Who knows, maybe along the way I’ll meet up with other travelers, in there sidecars, along the journey of life. And together, we can formulate poignant, meaningful answers to that question, “So, what’d you think”?
1 comment:
Hi Dave
My name is Greg I am a 48 year old Canadian boy from Ontario near Toronto where were presently getting hammered by our first winter storm.
I gotta tell ya you get a 10 for transparency,That's the beauty of the net sometimes it is much easier to write things down on paper or in this case a blog then it is to share one on one.
I would have to say I have often pondered my own mortality,the works God the father has for me left to take care of this side of eternity and a legacy left behind.
I am married to an unbeliever of 15yrs who I cherish and have 2 great boys 13 and 10.
I really do think if we make time in our busy schedules to put God first and grasped the necessity of delighting in him(which is really what we have wanted to do all along anyway)things will begin to fall into place where we can say like the Apostle Paul I fought the good fight I finished the race.
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